Aside Posted on
After a long break, chancing on a poem I had written during my school days – has spurred me on to get back.
A Ray of Hope – Mathangi J
The skies were dark
when along life’s long river I decided to paddle
And on the banks I saw a bunch of people
all they did, was just dawdle
I found a number of willing comrades,
but neither of them had any grace
They said to me
” You may come with us, or you may go
Between us, relations will forever remain shallow”
The skies were darker when I went further down
But even there,people were frantically searching
for the materially studded crown
Hardly did they give me a glance
And to communicate, I did not even have a chance
Scaling my vision, I saw a figure at the deep end
Slowly I paddled yonder and far
And when I saw her,
I thought she possessed invisible scars
As I saw her –
there was a question in my glance
To which she replied –
with a faint smile and understanding countenance
“I know what you search for
People – they possess none
They try to reach it thro’
temporary periods of fun
You’ve come in search of the keys
which will unlock your mind to peace”
I stared at her with calm excitement
As I stared, her form suddenly did change
and flew towards the mountain range
…. In the form of a dove
It was then that I realized
there was a ray of light from the dark skies above!
I was about 14 years when I wrote this .
Well, almost everyone feels stressed at the end of the day. Crazy commutes, Pressure to meet deadlines, Family commitment, – but nothing saps your energy like people, their ability to push your buttons, and ‘politics’. Many a person has quit their job because they could not handle the politics, or because someone else’s psyche was far stronger than their own. Or stayed quiet at school or at home – because you just did not want to get into an argument with them. I’ve met a few annoying types – tell me if you’ve met them too!
1. The Do-gooder (DG) : Do not take this term at face value for the do-gooder is not the person who does good things for people. In fact this person has done everything much better than you have! Excerpts from a dialogue between DG and Me:
Me : Sniff! Sniff! I seem to have caught a cold.
DG:You have a cold? Make way, I think I have pneumonia.
Me: I guess its an allergy.. It will go away soon
DG: A wonderful immune system has been genetically handed down by my extremely healthy parents – I will get over my pneumonia faster than you get over your cold.
Me: Okayyy…That’s great! I guess I’m sensitive to pollution – Aaachooo! Must be the dust…
DG: Oh yeah! I’m extremely sensitive too. I have to be extremely careful when I step outside. (what happened to the genes,huh?) My dermatologist says I should not get too much sun, because of my sensitive skin. But I do not get a tan, I just become pink…blah,blah,blah…
Me: @#$%%! …Phew!
The DG is aggressive and annoying, friendly yet competitive and is humble as long as you let them take top-spot. Push them to spot 2 – and…well, why don’t you try it for yourself?
ENERGY DEPLETION – 25 %
2. The No-Helpers (NH) : The no-helpers are not people who do not help you. In fact it is the exact opposite. They are people who do not let you help them. They are people with a gazillion problems, and are NOT (mind you – this is something I’ve learnt out of experience) … NOT looking for a solution. All they want to do is whine, and all they want you to do is make that clucking sound with your tongue and show them some droopy eyes, while at the exact same time – acknowledging their Herculean efforts at battling all of life’s problems.
Excerpts from a dialogue between NH and Me:
NH: Oh! There you are! Did you know my child is flunking Chemistry? And I just do not have the time to help him/her. I am such a bad mother/father.
Me : Oh…do not worry. I’m sure you are a great mom/dad. Just spend a little time over the weekends with your child (Solution 1). I’m sure she will do well.
NH: Over the weekend? Weekend is strictly family time. We try our best to keep it casual and fun! I do not want to be a parent who robs them of their childhood.
Me: Why not stay up longer on a weekday and finish it off (Solution 2) ?
NH: The children need their sleep. And it is so tiring after a day at work. I never get some time for myself!
Me: Why don’t you arrange a tutor for your child? (Solution 3)
NH: Our family does not believe is spoon-feeding the kids. They have to be self-reliant. The right values have to be instilled.
Me: Maybe you should have some kids over and let them study together? (Solution 4)
NH: And clean up after them? No way! Do you think children would ever study anything when they get together?
Me: Why don’t you get off a little early from work twice a week and help your kid? (Solution 5)
NH: With all the projects I’m in charge of? Not easy man…
Me (Having learnt my lesson) : [Clucking sounds with my tongue and drooping myeyes ] – Oh do not worry! You are a great mom/dad. You will figure what is best for your child.
NH: Thank you! You always come up with a solution! Thanks again!
Me: &**^^$@! Phew!
ENERGY DEPLETION – 50%
3. The Rule Follower (RF):
The rule follower is someone who insists on dotting every I and crossing every T, at the worst possible situation for you. Family emergency? The RF insists that you have to fill up every form that you have to, and then will point out that your signatures do not match in the 5 forms you filled out in front of them 5 minutes ago. Accident at office? The RF insists that you send them an e-mail with all the gory details, following which they will ‘forward it to authorities’, ‘follow it up’, ‘will let you know’ and ‘keep you in the loop’! I’m not going to give you a model dialogue for this. I am quite sure we’ve met these ‘smart’ people within whatever minimum time frame we have lived on this planet.
ENERGY DEPLETION – 75 %
4. The Silent Instigator (SI):
The silent instigator is one who keeps making digs at your progress, your dressing , your performance and your problems. They always get away with their statements because they never ‘mentioned’ you! The SI usually gets a load of their chest thanks to their snide remarks, and usually have their band of ‘Silent Suporters (The SS)’ who laugh and jeer at the remarks, and at all the right places. A creative dialogue to explain my point.
Situation for Harried Me: Reached office late, fight with the elders at home, nagging spouse, non-compliant children, dysfunctional wardrobe, and awful commute. Sounds familiar? This might well be you!
HM: Hey, can you grab me a glass of water?
SI : Some people walk in late and start bossing people around.
SS: [All smiling] 🙂 :):)
HM to another colleague: Could you cover for me this Wednesday? I might have to take my sister-in-law to the hospital?
SI: Walked in late and planning a day off already? Tsk.. tsk . Maybe people should work before they start going on a vacation.
SS: [All smiling] 🙂 :):)
HM : Hey! Would you mind? I’m having a difficult day here!
SI: Did I even talk to you ?I was just minding my own business. Wasn’t I?
SS: Yea.. yes.. you were just doing your own thing!
HM: @$@@^! Aaargh!
ENERGY DEPLETION – 100% (Beep..beep..beep)
There are many more – the Road Rager (RR), The Back-Biter (BB), The Erratic Reactors (ER),The Sycophant Sucker (Ss), Wannabe Loser (WL), and Egomaniaco Inseguro (EI). They are – and I quote a term used by a fellow blogger – ‘Energy Vampires’. Dementors. They suck out the energy and happiness from you constantly. We need to figure out our own Patronus (for the HP followers here) to battle them relentlessly. And it may be in the form of a WorthWhiler (WW) – An expectant child, a committed cause, a dependent grandparent, genuine pet, or just some Inner Peace!
Find your own Patronus and do it soon!
THE GREAT INDIAN OBSESSIONS
Under the broad theme of Life in India, I would like to talk about “The great Indian Obsessions” as I call it, which are almost similar ideologies among diverse groups. Be it across social strata, religions, the urban and rural population – some things do not change.
Religion is important for anyone who is Indian by birth. There are those who say they are confirmed atheists, but even they would have evolved some pattern of faith by themselves, be it self-introspection, or plain hard work – but you cannot extricate the concept of religion from the average Indian. There are those who starve, who piously follow the many formalities that go with each deity, or day of the week. Then there are those who attend bhajan classes, or satsang prayers. There are those who listen to religious sermons, or wake up early to watch a devotional program, or visit a temple, or write the name of their deity a 100,008 times over. And then there are those who decide that it is not about the festivities or formalities, and decide to organise community meals at the temples, maybe once a week. There are those who just simply donate huge amounts to a temple – thereby believing that the Lord will take care of requirements, and then there are those who hand make their lamps, grow their own flowers to be offered at the Temples. Even the most playful student will appear for an examination with the sacred ash on his forehead, the highly corporate vice-president will break a coconut in front of his new BMW, the most corrupt politician will go to the temple before elections, and deified movie star will offer prayers before the premiere of his new film. Religion is linked to festivals, elections, sports,cultural arts, schools, business, movies, astrology, culture and marriage.
The Indians have strong family ties. Though the recent cosmopolitan Indian will scoff at the family and seek refuge in his friends circle, the average Indian can never give up the ‘family’ totally. Family businesses, Family honor, Family friends, Family ties, Family doctors, Family outings – family is used more as an adjective than a noun. While in urban India, people tend to be more isolated and independent hence not feeling the need to be surrounded by ‘family’ – these ties and the importance associated with them become more pronounced as you go deeper into India. Children are sent abroad to be educated, so that they may come back and take care of the ‘Family businesses’. Once that is done their weddings are arranged with the son/daughter of ‘Family friends’, so that the ‘Family honour’ is maintained. They go on ‘Family outings’, every weekend and vacation, the pregnant daughter or daughter-in-law is sent only to the Family doctor, and thus’ Family ties’ continue to be maintained.
But despite the sarcasm – the concept of the Joint Family actually is an extremely advantageous one. For one it offers you massive “economies” of scale benefits. Not to mention the strong support system when it comes to children and the home-front being taken care of. Add to it the amazing people skills you are almost forced to develop at a very young age and you will realise why some Indians hold on to it rigidly even to this day – for they believe that no other pattern or person could give them these amazing advantages . (E.g.) A grandmother who looks forward to feeding your child simultaneously telling him a story, an uncle who voluntarily gives you his friend’s contact for your business , the older cousin brother who takes the little ones for a spin on his bike and ice creams. These used to be normal occurrences in every family for a long while. True , the lack of privacy or individual space was a big negative factor that worked against the ‘joint family’ system but many families are now regulating their family pattern so as to enjoy the benefits of both systems – joint and nuclear. The working women of today realize the advantages of having parents or parents-in-law at home, the support system they offer on a daily basis and the once dictatorial in-laws now realize what a fresh lease of life it is to be around their grand children at home, as against sitting by themselves and solving crossword puzzles or visiting temples. People are rediscovering the benefits of staying in a Family. The reason they are anchored in life.
Tying the knot as so vividly described above – is one of the biggest Indian obsessions. From the day the girl or boy has reached a ‘marriageable’ age (18 for girls and 21 for boys) parents across all castes, communities and religions, perk up the radar for identifying suitable partners for their wards. Despite the education, and the fact that the average Indian male and female would like to postpone their “socially” acceptable marriageable ages, this is something which an illiterate and a literate person would almost have identical functioning of thoughts. The biggest challenge being finding a suitable mate for your child before he/she reaches the ‘expiry’ date which would soon begin with the onset of the thirties. Once the marriage is ascertained – look back to previous point of ‘family’ and the next paragraph on ‘children’ to get a complete picture.
As long as you are single – the only thing parents and society seem to want for you – is to get you married. If you thought, that once you succumbed to their wishes , they would let you in peace – think again. Then it is almost like Jumanji – you have to get to the next level and you cannot decide to do away with the game without playing it. Same way, once you get married – you have to move to the next step i.e. procreation. Are you one of those couples that are thinking of pet cats / dogs/ or birds. Sorry not possible, for 6 months post your marriage – you will hear many subtle and not-so-subtle hints about it being time for a little one around.
And once you even succeed in procreation – the new parents along with their own parents start to obsess. The new age parents, who get their parenting tips from Google, download relevant information regarding milestones in their child’s lives – generally the people who are the bane of the pediatrician’s lives start wanting to give their child an early start in life. They start playing classical music to the child in the womb (hoping to subconsciously ignite its musical genes), decide that the child has “foot ball” talents coz of its’ kicks in the mother’s stomach, and generally overloading the child with too much too soon. The child is introduced to umpteen other classes,schools and different types of peer pressure…and very soon feels stifled. And when it finally decides to have its own way – many parents end up depressed, for they actually did all the stuff they did – with the child’s best interests in mind. But that is too long to elaborate here…maybe another post on it soon.
Children have to be educated, but they have also to be left to educate themselves.
Much education today is monumentally ineffective. All too often we are giving young people cut flowers when we should be teaching them to grow their own plants.
-John W. Gardner
Let me put it this way. If you read the above two quotes – Indians try to give their children hugest bouquets and there is hardly any space at home for a garden (Pun intended). But the efforts to add more cut flowers to your bouquet are genuine.
The good thing is India has undergone a huge transition, whereby the importance of education has been communicated. There are schools in rural as well as urban India – and as much as one may question their infrastructure and qualification of teachers – there are still schools. Makeshift ones in rural India.
And the classy ones in Urban India. Much has been achieved in the field of educating girls. And everyone seeks to give their child a formal education right from the common laborer till the ‘qualified’ software professional. The top 3 preferred professions have slightly moved from doctor,lawyer and engineer to doctor,engineers and MBAs.
Education in India is provided both by the Government (central and state) as well as private schools. The most important thing is learning to communicate in English. English-medium schools are sought after, a ‘convent’ or a private school enjoying high reputations. So much so that people insist on sending their children to private schools that charge exorbitant fees and miscellaneous expenses throughout the year despite it being beyond their reach. All the while thinking that they are laying a strong foundation for their children – who can just take a ‘giant leap’ forward. What is really sad, is – that India, home of learning centers like Nalanda University, scholars like Aryabatta, Tagore, Chanakya,Srinivasa Ramanujam and Vivekananda are now engaging in mass-production of a highly mediocre work force.
Other jobs like farmers, dancers, researchers, tailors, sculptors, musicians, teachers, are all almost forgotten because it is not considered economically feasible. Education in India is right now a means to an end – the end being a well-paying job, the journey as many will tell you, is neither interesting nor comfortable.
There are many more things that the Indians obsess about – Films, Cricket, Politics, Food, Social standing, Vegetarianism, Astrology, even their next-door neighbour … but the above 5 have assumed such paramount importance that each of them have now become a multi-billion dollar industry in the country.
Winning isn’t everything, it’s the only thing.
This might as well be the Motto of the average Indian – especially with the above 5. He has to win. He will do what it takes to get there.